Lightly Roasted Love at first site?

Love at first site?

Lightly Roasted

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Not so much for this online dater

I’m on an over-50 dating site. When I log in, I see photos of gorgeous 40-somethings, false advertising at its prettiest. No leg veins there. No saggy man-pecs. Only thing missing is the “Just Kidding” sign.

Back in the day, we met people the good old-fashioned way—in bars. Most singles now, even boomers, rely on dating sites. I recently wrote about dipping my dating toes into the sea of eligible men. And I use that term as loosely as the skin hanging off my various body parts. I ended up quitting a free site. But like peeking at an accident, I can’t stay away, so I subscribed to a different one. The results this time? Not great.

I want to talk to the women first. Because, men? You know there are 3,000 women for every one of you. So go watch sports for a few minutes.

Ladies, you’ve learned by now that if a nice older man becomes divorced or widowed, you have exactly four minutes to snag him. Three, if you live in Northern Maine (population factor, plus—cousins.) It’s a fact—completely, totally unconfirmed—that men are in a hurry to re-couple.

Anyway, just one minute into the current dating site, I pause to ponder just what God intended when He invented online dating. Why would a man think it’s attractive to put a photo of himself standing in his bathroom, with nothing on from the waist up? And do I need to see his toilet bowl plunger? No, I do not.

OK, men. Come back. I want to give you a few pointers, even though I know darned well that in the time you went to get a snack, the neighbor lady scooped you up and you’re no longer available.

Here goes:

  1. If we chat online once, and the next morning you ask if you may bring me “home to Mother,” you’re moving just a tad too fast. Back off, buster. Completely. Ugh. I need a shower.
  2. If your profile states you have five children, have never married, and under goals you’ve written “finish high school,” you’re not my man. But good on you, guy. Hope they offer sex ed.
  3. If you send me a prefabricated “I like your profile photo” 10 times in one night, and have failed to answer the question about substance use on your profile, you’re not my man.
  4. I like art, but if your profile picture shows your tattoos in places normally covered by clothing while in public, well … I don’t need to see those moles and white chest hair quite yet. But hey, dude, I “heart” my mom, too.
  5. If you don’t understand that a selfie should be taken from above, rather than from somewhere around your hip angling upward, you’re not my man—and I’ll never let you take my photo.
  6. If you are divorced, have 11 children, “put family first” and—oh—are “very religious”? Lord in Heaven! Moving along …
  7. If you make a point of using complex vocabulary, then say you’re looking for someone to compliment you, as opposed to complement you, go back to ninth-grade English. Or get over yourself. Whichever comes first.
  8. You want a woman “who believes the relationship is more important than her independence?” And you’re 70 and never married? I think I know why.
  9. If, after the essential demographics, you say nothing except “it’s a long story” and you are wearing a prison suit, you’re probably not my man.
  10. FYI: Your profile is not enhanced by a catchy moniker such as WorshipYerFeet. Same for BigOne4U. Charlie or Gus is just fine.

A couple of weeks into this, I wrote to a man once or twice, then became busy with real life for a few days. One evening, I got a nasty message from him because he hadn’t heard from me “since ____” (YES, HE ACTUALLY WROTE DOWN THE DATE) and he’d blocked me. Thank GOD he is not my man.

You might think that my experiences thus far have turned me off to dating. No. Boomers still love to love.

So, guys? At our age, we’re all far from perfect. But here’s my advice. Forget marriage for now. Just take her to lunch, laugh with her, and in time, if there’s magic? You might just be her man.

And one more thing.

Until you know each other better?

Keep your shirt on.

Kathy Eliscu, a retired RN, received a National Society of Newspaper Columnists Humor award in 2012 for her Maine Women magazine column. She is the author of “Not Even Dark Chocolate Can Fix This Mess,” a humor novel. She blogs at www.kathyeliscu.com and lives in Westbrook.

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